Buying the Insignia.


The lad in the recovery truck had a great bedside manner. Shoulda been a doctor. I know this because he said: ‘That car’s fucked.”


“Fucked completely.”

“What’ll we do?”

“Do you know any scrapyards? I can tow you to one.”

“I still need a car.”

“Time for Donedeal I’d say.”

Later on Donedeal, there was Ford Mondeos, Qashqais, Hondas and Toyotas. Some were in Galway, some in Tipperary, more still in Dublin. All no use when you’ve no car to get there. Spotted an Insignia in Monklsand, side of the road, two years NCT, year’s tax, 2010. Looked clean.

Rang it. The man said: “Quick sale, upgrading to a 7 seater myself.”

“Let’s take a look.”

He arrived. Thick glasses, grandfatherly appearance with a hint of Sicilian Mob. Rural Cosa Nostra. Handed me the key, said: “She’s automatic. Is that alright?”

“How’s the transmission?”

“Good as far as I know.”

After, I said: “It’s a bit loud?”

“Probably a bit cold.”

Got out. Took a look around the body. Asked: “Are them back doors a different colour?”

“Hmm….are they? Might be just the way the light is shining on them…”

“And there’s some dinges?”

“Oh yeah, someone in a car park that did that. Are you interested?”

“I’ll let ya know.”

Days later, still had no car. No way to Clonmel, Dublin, Galway or Donegal to bag all the great bargains in the motorised subconscious.

So I rang back Don Vauxhall about the Insignia. Quick chat. Said he’d let it go fairly decent with a bitta luck back.

Did the deal an hour later. Signed the logbook. Handed over the cash and he threw back two fifties for the luck.

Said sound. Bye now. Hit the M6. Great surge but the wheels weren’t balanced. Lotta shakes and vibrations, like a plane in turbulence.

Brought it to the wheel place the next day. Fella said: “Did you pay much for that?”


“There’s a seal in them does go, happens all Insignias nearly.”

“Seems fine, no lights on the dash or anythin…”

“Oh no. You’ll get no warning. The engine will just seize. Full stop.”

“No warning at all?”

“Well you’ll know if it starts gettin loud. It’s not loud is it?”

“Does be a bit cold, maybe.”

“It’s an import too. Better get it checked just in case. There’s Polish lads up the road there.”

Up the road with the Polish lads. First fella said: “There’s a seal that can go in them Insignias….Is it loud?”

“Does be cold.”

“Start it up.”

I did. He said: “Hmm….”


“Hmmm….maybe you might be lucky.”


“Maybe you get a year, maybe engine goes tomorrow. Did you pay much?”

I told him, he said: “The two back doors are different colours.”

“Is it not just the light?”

“More likely a crash. Let me know how it goes.”

Later, rang the insurance, said: “I’ve a new car, want to transfer the policy.”

Ok, she said, what’s the registration?

I gave it to her. She typed it in. There was a distinct pause before she sounded worried and said:

“Hello, Michael?”


“Eh…can you just hold the line there for a second???”

And she was gone.

Phone music. What the fuck now.








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