The fuse.

Vectra going well. Yellow engine light still on and the cigarette lighter gone. Great craic if you’re into dead phones. Said I’d change the fuse. Big plan, DIY plan. Looked up the biblical Youtube and a Polish lad had a video where you find the fusebox. It was in the boot, on the left, behind some kinda carpet door. Checked there, found it. But no diagram telling me which one was which. One could be the lights, the other could be the radio, and who knew which one affected the cigarette lighter. The experts said if the fuse was gone then there should be a break in the centre of the circuit. You’ll see it, it’ll be obvious. If the fuse is blown, then change it. Could be a 15A. Maybe a 20. There’s 7.5 fuses too and there’s 10. Be simple. Shtill, said I better ask someone just in case. How’d you blow the car this time, Micky? Fixed it myself with Youtube videos. No thanks.

Went to Motor Factors.

There was big sign that said: OPEN SEVEN DAYS and it was stone closed. No joy there. Chanced Mr.Price for the gammy boxes of car sets with lights and accessories but they were all sold out.

It was back to Youtube so. Sure probably be grand. Later, in the dark, inspired, I started pulling out each fuse with a tweezers. Shining the light from the phone on each one. Here’s a yellow one, has a radio look about it. There’s the red one, bit like a Marlboro, definitely a contender. What’s the craic with that purple one? Looks a bit weird, could be wipers, windows, screenwasher, maybe just the interior lights.

Looking for a break inside each one. No break. Nothing to say any of them should be changed. This meant messy. Wiring, Diagnostics, shrugs from mechanics cos it’s only your the cig lighter, like, get over it. Sound, yeah. Thanks

Then, the car wouldn’t start. It sort of coughed and heaved, and then did nothing. Just died with loads of lights on the dash. This was unexpected. Usually it’s more dramatic, like when you’re on the motorway, or it’s three in the morning, or in a Red Warning storm, or maybe all three. But this was just – no thanks. Not starting. Can’t be fucked like. I tried it again. No go. Great. Thought about ringing the breakdown assistance, but it was bit early for that, and I wasn’t sure how to explain what went wrong. What’s the problem, Michael?

‘Them lads on Youtube lied to me.’


That kinda thing. So it was back to the carpet box of fuses. Something looked wrong. That bright yellow one. Looked like a lozenger, out of place. Luckily I’d taken a picture with my phone before I started pulling them all out. Referred to that. Yeah, the yellow one was two places too high. Stuck in some empty space for something else the car doesn’t do. Who knows. Stuck it back again, in the right place, turned the ignition and it started.

A real purr, like what’s the problem, like can we not drive somewhere?

So I put it first and hoped for the best. Still no cigarette lighter though. That Youtube should be banned.



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